The Wayfaring Son

Forwarding Address.....

2007-03-30T22:23:00.000-05:00

I've decided to move my blog to Wordpress after so many people keep recommending it. I'm going to leave this site up for a while yet but all of the previous posts have been moved to the new site.

Wayfaringson Blog on Wordpress

Writer's Block and Changes

2007-02-23T06:31:00.000-06:00

I haven't been here in a while. Mostly it is because I seem to be suffering from some form of writer's block. I think about coming here and writing a few things, but then when I sit down it all just mysteriously evaporates. The main question has been "why?" and I can admit that even though more than a month has passed, I still don't have an answer. Parts of my life are in tall weeds right now - maybe I just don't like listening to myself complain about things - it is just too close to whining.

Lots of things have been changing though. I have a new job - FINALLY! The new position began three days ago and so far I think I am going to love the place. Right now I am drinking from the fire hose, trying to learn everything I need to and start contributing as quickly as I can. It really concerns me as I am a contractor and need to prove myself quickly. It should work out, but the next couple of weeks will probably be intense. It is a six month, right to hire position, so if they like me they will make me a full-time employee in six months. That would be sweet.

With the new job, my depression has begun lifting. I find myself singing more, and have played my instruments a few times lately. Overall, this is going to be a good thing I think. Church is still annoying (long story) and my wife's health has slipped a bit lately. That part of the puzzle is starting to look pretty dreary. But, it is nothing unexpected. And yet, now that it is getting here I am beginning to realize how hard these last stages are going to be.

The biggest downside to the new job is that while I'm a contractor I don't get any paid days off...even sick days. So, any hope of going to music festivals this year probably just went out the window. Maybe by Fall I can make it somewhere...that would be fun.

One of the biggest things I want to do as soon as the new job settles down is to begin working on "Plan B" and figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I really don't want to keep doing this kind of stuff the rest of my life, so I need to take some of those things rattling around in my head and see if I can make them real. That is exciting to think about but still pretty foggy.

All in all, life is great right now. And, speaking of work, I need to get showered before I'm late.....

Brrrrrrrr...............

2007-01-13T13:59:00.000-06:00

All is well here although we had a huge ice storm last night with more expected tonight and tomorrow. We are all inside and snug and (thankfully) still have power and heat. Many in our area are out of both right now. The ice is beautiful but causing a lot of issues around the area.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2006-12-24T17:51:00.000-06:00

As I sit here typing this I am thinking through the past year, about all the stuff going on in my life and the challenges ahead. I am trying to clear away all of the junk and focus on the most wonderful gift ever given - Jesus. He is the reason for my life - the reason I have survived and is the keeper of any future I may have.

The devil has been at work today, nudging the human nature of many around me...and me as well. The attacks are subtle, but have been enough to throw everyone into a bit of a funk when we had all been so happy and looking forward to Christmas Eve and Day. So, what now? I'm not sure. But, I am convinced more than ever of the tremendous need for that baby born so long ago - the need for "God With Us" and the tremendous gift of peace and salvation. May our Lord be ever present with us, and His Spirit abide and rule with us day-by-day as we move into the coming year.

However you may be spending the holidays, I wish you love and peace and joy in the company of those you love and who love you.

Peace.

25 years and counting....

2006-12-23T22:55:00.000-06:00

Tuesday was my 25th wedding anniversary. I know the time passed, but I have no idea how or when. I mean, 25 years is like....huge. It is like an entire generation has passed. In the days following my anniversary I have thought a lot about all the water under the bridge. Life is kind of insidious this way....a minute here and a minute there and the next thing you know a ton of time has passed. What is the old saying...Life is what happens while you are making other plans? That is so very true.

Overall, our anniversary was uneventful as neither one of us are predisposed to big celebrations. The day slipped quietly past, sharing some cheesecake (my wife's favorite) and reminiscing a bit about the past. On my wedding day in 1981 I could not have even conceived of 25 years of marriage - it mentally wouldn't have been possible. And now, 25 years later, I'm still not sure I can. So, here is to looking ahead and to whatever God has in store for us... His grace has never failed us and I know in my heart that it never will.

Sunday evening blues...

2006-12-10T19:01:00.001-06:00

These last few months have just flown past. It seems like just yesterday that it was Thanksgiving and Christmas was a month away. Now we are having discussions about what to buy our kids for Christmas and we need to hurry up and do it!

Lately I have been thinking about what my next steps are with music. It is one of those dreams I can't seem to fully grasp, but also can't seem to let go of. In talking with a friend the other day he made the statement that "I spend all day thinking about playing music and it consumes me. Then, when I get home, I take care of the family, play with my kids and the evening is gone and I haven't done anything with my music." I was surprised to hear him say that as I find myself feeling exactly that way. The book I am reading talks about the importance of carving out time for yourself, your art and to nurture the artist in you. It sounds great, but I sure haven't figured out how to do it. I do know that I want 2007 to be different - it needs to be different.

Reality is currently pressing in - and reality says I am about three video tapes behind editing my kids' concerts, and there are three Christmas concerts coming up in the next two weeks. I love the concerts, but keeping up is a chore sometimes. And yet, I so appreciate my kids and their efforts with their music. I want them to know that I support them and that their efforts mean something to me. And so, the beat goes on.

We did go to the St. Louis Symphony today and heard them perform "The Planets." Awesome - just wonderful music. Sometimes it is just wonderful to be awed by the music.

But, it is Sunday night and I have already had multiple emails on my blackberry from at least four of my co-workers who are working today (don't these people have a life?!) indicating that my day tomorrow is going to be nuts. Gotta love Sunday evenings....

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-23T22:07:00.001-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! We had a quiet day at home just resting and recovering from all of the things going on lately. Hope everyone is happy and healthy and that you had a wonderful holiday.

Changes and frustration.....

2006-11-16T22:15:00.001-06:00

I have come to be very frustrated with my own nature - with human nature in general. Why is it so hard for us to change our habits? So much of who we are and what we become in life is driven by our habits. And yet, breaking them, or establishing new ones is incredibly difficult.

One of the things going on in my life is an attempt to establish a totally new pattern of eating. Difficult? Sure, but I can do it...right? Well, the first seven days were great! I was eating healthy and even losing a little bit of weight. I was feeling better and many of my gastric issues were subsiding or had disappeared. But then.....boom! Off the wagon. OK..pick myself up and go again. Three more great days. Then....boom! Two days later I try to get back on my plan...didn't quite make it. I have been off ever since. Grrrrrr

So, on the bright side, my blood sugar numbers are still a lot better. But, I need to "push" myself back onto the path - make a new habit. SO, here I go again. Sigh.

In other things - I took a look at the new Zune today. Pretty nice, but the DRM, dedicated music store, "Microsoft Points", etc. are wayyyy over the top. I think this thing is going to die. Or, you are going to see some serious firmware updates to get rid of all the DRM stuff after everyone complains and refuses to buy it. Every review I have read has been horrible, and most of it has centered around the DRM stuff.

I still love my Zen Microphoto MP3 player. It is amazing how quickly I have become hooked on my little player, and having my music and podcasts with me. I suspect that someday I may upgrade, but it will probably take me a long time to get to that point.

Introspection....and silence.....

2006-11-14T22:09:00.001-06:00

It has been nearly a month since I last posted. I was pretty surprised by that as it doesn't seem that long. Things have been busy, but more importantly, I have been a bit lost in my thoughts lately. It is rather hard to explain, so I won't. God is doing something. Typically, I have no clue what. So, I am trying to listen...and maybe hear. Some of the "life stuff" is beginning to slow down a bit, so I am turning up my focus - trying to hear - anything. Something.

I continue to look in on my blogging buddies. Prayers to Marcy on her impending delivery - may it be quick and painless and may you have a beautiful, healthy child.

Peace and blessings to all.

I Am

2006-10-02T07:46:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here early at work, listing to my MP3 player. The song "I Am" by Nicole Nordeman came on and I think I really listened to it for the very first time. .....amazing song.

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am
Yes, I Am

Amen.

In Memory of Those Gone Before.....

2006-09-30T11:16:00.000-05:00

Today is the one-year anniversary of my father's passing. It is impossible to conceive that a year has actually passed. I hear that phrase all the time, and it always sounds so trite. But, this time, I literally cannot comprehend that it has been one year. With my father's passing, all of my relatives are now gone - many of them died when I was very young. It is a sobering thought to me that my children will only know these people through me - that they now only exist in my memory. Perhaps that is why genealogy and family history are so important to me.

The picture is one of my Mom and Dad that was taken sometime when they were dating or soon after they were married. I miss them.

Step by Step

2006-09-25T21:06:00.000-05:00

Life is whizzing along right about now. So, just a quick update. My son's marching band season has begun and as booster president I am in high gear right now. Our next free weekend is in mid-November. It is very cool stuff though and great to spend time with my son.

Two days after my last post I came down with a nasty cold that lasted about a week. Although I kept my eating close to where it should be, the exercise thing died. So, I am working now to get it back on track. I bought a new MP3 player and LOVE it. I wanted an iPod, but my budget wouldn't handle it. So, I bought a Creative Zen Microphoto and have truly enjoyed it. Some podcasts like Leo Laporte's tech stuff and Woodsongs Old Time Radio Hour are keeping me truly entertained and informed. Plus it is neat to have that much of my music just with me all the time. It has become my car ride and walking buddy.

About the only thing I have done musically of late is to transcribe some songs for my kids into Finale. It helps them and let's me learn more about the program. Oh, I did spend a few hours playing dobro recently and last trip to Peoria I took my mountain dulcimer with me for a few hours of playing. It was fun.

I had one good interview for a possible new job and am hoping to hear this week. Other than that I am working to cultivate my new "one day at a time" attitude about life and work.

Computer-wise I am working on learning Linux and setting up an old PC (newly acquired free from a friend) as a web server. I need to bring my skills up a bit. I haven't done anything overtly technical in a few years. All the project management work is pushing the technical stuff to the rear and I need to fix that.

That's all for now - Thanks everyone for the comments and for reading. Best wishes for your journeys.

Peace.
Larry

A new song....

2006-09-17T22:29:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was sitting at the dining room table, working on the computer after chasing my kids to get them to practice their instruments. After a few minutes I stopped after hearing a tune my daughter was playing. I had to go check it out. Turns out she was working on some songs in a fiddle book she recently bought and was playing an old traditional tune called "Laura's Waltz". The melody was quite lovely and the song has now moved to the top of the rotation as something new to learn.

Some thoughts about creativity....

2006-09-17T11:50:00.000-05:00

Twice this weekend I sat through performances of the county symphony orchestra in which my son performs. Sitting through these performances (and dozens of others recently involving bands, orchestras, folk musicians, etc.) have me thinking on the topic of creativity and the arts. Inevitably, when attending these functions, it is easy to see the lack of value that our society places on creativity and the "me-centered" culture that has been created in our country.

This expresses itself in many ways. There was the woman who was so interested in getting a photo of "her little darling" that she spent nearly two songs standing up in her seat, in front of everyone else. Then, to make sure she was annoying enough, she moved around, standing in front of yet more people while she fumbled with her $10 disposable camera. There are the inevitable toddlers running to and fro with parents ignoring them and allowing them to generate huge amounts of noise and pester everyone in sight. People who talk continually throughout the concert as well as those who perpetually come and go from the auditoriums during the performance rank right up there as well. It is interesting to note that many times the high school peers of those in the orchestras and bands are far more respectful than their parents.

At football games the dancers, cheerleaders and band can barely be heard above the din of the football parents who simply shout louder to be heard while others perform. I can't tell you the number of times when taping the halftime show other parents just walk over and stand in front of my video camera and then get irritated when I politely ask them to move.

We live in an era when creativity has been denegrated to a commodity. The average person considers themselves a creative genius if they can load songs onto an iPod and manage to push the buttons correctly to make the thing work. People who have never stood on a stage in their life, much less performed on one, routinely critique and criticize those who are performing. I always wonder why people feel they have that right. I mean, having an opinion or preference is one thing, but many times these "critiques" are brutal even to the point of making fun. There is no respect for, or comprehension of, all the practicing, private lessons, rehersals, instrument purchasing and maintenance, uniform creation, etc. that goes into these types of endeavors. And yet, with no comprehension or understanding at all, the average person feels fully qualified to critique, disrupt or ignore the creative talents at will. After all, they know how to put a DVD in the player and make it work, by golly.

This isn't news. Things have probably always been this way. Humility and respect for the talents and efforts of others seem to be greatly lacking though in our modern world. I just find it incredulous when a person who can barely play the radio listens to a high school student who has spent six months of their life mastering an amazing piece of music, and then say something like "that was OK". Actualy, it was incredible, especially when you consider the practice and devotion that person has put into that effort while still maintaining their school work and a semblence of a life. But the complainer's children are probably really good at video games, so I guess it all comes out even. Right?

When average people feel it is their place to negate or even denegrate those who achieve due to extra effort and hard work, something in our society has gone very wrong. When the majority of people in a me-centered society regard their own mundane acts as talent and even genius, and no longer strive for, or acknowledge, true greatness the end result for that society cannot be good.

The undercurrent.....

2006-09-13T13:40:00.000-05:00

Life has been interesting lately. My absence from blogging has been much longer than originally imagined. And, it was unplanned. There really hasn't been a reason other than my schedule, which has been insane of late. I am moving into a season of change in my life, and I have been spending significant amounts of time trying to find the growing undercurrent of change. Finding it is part of the task. The other part of the task is trying to follow the current and let it lead me to new places and hopefully some new attitudes about a great many things. Some of this change is about new things that are emerging. A much larger part is about centering myself back on the things that really matter to me. I know what those things are, but it is so easy to lose sight.

I have written before about how I need to lose weight and improve my overall health. Lately, I have been battling issues with my blood sugars. Combined with other issues, this has led me to the stark realization that I need to make some changes if I still want to be alive in 10 years. Since I do want to be around at least that long, changes must happen. They have begun...slowly. The toddler is up and walking but barely. Building new habits is so hard and I have never done well at this. I am a stress eater, which is a very bad thing in my situation. I am viewing myself almost as an alcoholic…one step at a time…one decision at a time. If I can eat right for this meal, then I’ll worry about the next meal when it gets here. My dog and I have started walking at night. We both like it but I sadly think she is in worse shape than I am!

Thanks to the recommendation of AllenReloaded, I have begun working through the book “The Artist’s Way.” The book is striking very close to my core – to those things that matter more than the air I breathe. This process has just begun. The excitement is there, but also no small amount of fear. Why? I am digging into that now.

My job is still shaky and my job search is still on. But, I was hit with the realization recently that this “situation” has started to consume my life. Time to push things back into perspective and to begin relying on the true source of my provision. My focus is shifting back to my family, my projects, my music, my friends.

I have a long way to go in all of this. So, I had better get busy. In speaking with a friend this week about weight loss she used the phrase, “just have to keep the body moving.” I have thought about that a lot. Sometimes, I realize I am slowing down, spending too much time in chairs, too much time watching TV and movies, etc. Time to keep the body moving – one of my new goals. Actually, the funny thing is, it is totally in line with my life verse:

“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might” Ecclesiastes 9:10a

Peace and Grace to all who are on the journey.

The upswing begins.....

2006-08-17T20:43:00.000-05:00

Things are still busy. I have had two meetings with the contracting firm I hooked up with. They have possible openings at one of the largest companies in the area that is (literally) two minutes from my house. My hopes are way up right now, and I am waiting to hear about a possible interview. They feel I will have an interview within a few days.

Musically, there is a lot of stuff going on. I am playing this Saturday in Edwardsville, IL at the Goshen Market with a friend. I am really looking forward to it. He has played there before with one of his bands (Sittin' on the Back Porch) but this is the first time we have played there together. I have known my friend Keith since grade school and we have played guitar together since high school, but we haven't played "out" anywhere for a long long time. I wish we had some time to really practice, but we will be winging it and probably falling back on a lot of the older stuff. I am not totally sure but I think I will leave the dulcimers and whistles at home, and fall back on the "old school" guitar stuff. I'll have to see how I feel on Saturday morning.

I am starting to get excited about playing more music again. Maybe it is just because there is some hope with this new job thing now, but it feels good to have the interest come back. My current job is still in crisis mode and going to work has become almost painful. But, I now have a bit of a plan and the potential of an interview. It is amazing how much it helps just knowing where the escape hatch is located!

The kids are doing great and start school next week. Here are a couple of pictures I took at my son's band camp last week. I even got a picture of his sister sitting on the car waiting for me to leave one day. Hehe. I can never get pictures of her anymore. The kids always look so serious when I take their pictures! My son especially is a major cut-up and loves to laugh and crack jokes....you wouldn't guess that from his picture!

The world is changing as my son has been driving himself to his band practices! Geez....I thought I was ready for this. Raising parents is a hard thing.

For the moment, I can feel God's hand on me and I am at peace. Now, I need to get my focus back where it belongs; losing weight, getting in shape, doing music. Time to climb back up the mountain.

New blog stuff...

2006-08-17T20:41:00.000-05:00

Well, I upgraded the blog to the new beta "Google" verison. It has some nice features, but it kind of felt like the bums rush to convert. Best new feature is labels. I have never taken the time to do labels with code, so this will be nice.

Music, Friends and Life

2006-08-13T16:04:00.000-05:00

Well, life moves on. My son's band camp is now history and the band is off to a good start. My week of vacation is over, and while I didn't get to do any of the things I really wanted, I did get to spend some time with my wife and kids which is always good.

Sometimes, when I am really stressed, I tend to squeeze everything else out of my life expect for the thing that is requiring exceptional focus at that moment. This week, music pushed back in and I am so grateful for that. Thursday night I went with my son's band to the local theatre to see the quarterfinals of Drum Corps International. What a great night of music! That helped brighten my mood considerably. Last night, some friends dropped by that I normally play music with, but haven't really seen since they went to Celtic Week at the Swananoa Gathering. The visit was short, but I was able to hear a few new tunes they learned, including a few strathspeys and reels. I grabbed my guitar and played along on a few tunes. It is amazing how much better a few minutes of music can make you feel.

Today, the same friend dropped by to give me a hat he bought me while at the Swananoa Gathering. What a really neat gift. I was so flattered.

Things are still shaky all around and I *still* don't have my new resume done. But, I have been reminded how important music is in my life and how much it does for me. I remember the quote I read years ago on the dulcimer board:

We do not quit playing because we grow old, we grow old because we quit playing. -oliver wendell holmes-

I need to remember that.

The Way Things Are

2006-08-10T00:46:00.000-05:00

When I started this blog, I promised myself I would be honest and write my thoughts and feelings. It was to be cathartic in a way – a method for me to be able to deal with those thoughts and feelings. Lately, I have been avoiding the blog because, frankly, life hasn’t been going very well. Even I am sick of listening to my whining. But, that doesn’t alter the fact that things are difficult right now. SO…an update.

The company I work for is officially in the tank. Our largest customer has given us a drop-dead date of Sept. 9th for a huge project we have been working on for over a year. They have already extended the date once and we are currently under a “you’d better meet it or else” situation with them. I found out this morning that we are not going to make the date – it isn’t possible. We are facing the very real prospect of losing our largest (and only real) customer on Sept. 9th, and if that happens, my contract will go with it. I started this week of vacation knowing that I needed to accelerate my job search, but now, it seems, I have a deadline. Several key people have left in the past two weeks, which are going to make working conditions unbearable.

Yesterday, I met with a recruiter for a local contracting firm. Good interview, great guy and great company. They are placing for openings in a huge company that is literally 2 minutes from my house. That is all great news. My resume is another matter. They are looking for project managers, and while I can do the job (and have been for years), I have neither the specialized degree nor the certifications that these types of jobs are now requiring. I am working to rewrite my resume to bring it in line with the consulting firm’s standards. The effort has left me depressed and feeling my age. I was supposed to have it done today and have barely begun, as I am struggling with one of the biggest cases of writer’s block I have ever experienced.

I am on vacation this week and was supposed to be spending my time at my son’s band camp and working around the house. Instead, I have been going to interviews and working on my resume. I am not getting much rest or “vacationing” done, my wife isn’t particularly happy that I haven’t been working on the woodworking I promised, and I am barely keeping up with household chores. I did manage to get the grass cut and trimmed and some manner of cooking and cleaning done. The week is nearly gone, and I am about to end the week more tired than I started it. A dulcimer festival begins on Friday about 60 minutes from here and I had been holding onto the slimmest of hopes I might actually be able to go. But, that isn’t going to happen either.

My wife’s health has been very poor this week. So, in addition to all of this, I have been taking care of her even more than I normally do. That is no one’s fault, but just the way it is. I really don’t mind taking care of her – it is a privilege. But, I can feel myself wearing out.

So – there it is – a mess. Things will get better. They always do. Right now, in the grand cycle, I am apparently in a massive downswing. At the moment, I am feeling very tired….very old…..very weary. My dreams and goals seem very far away – nearly dead. I want to go somewhere and sit in on a jam with friends and just relax. Somehow, I just don’t want to have to worry about all this stuff anymore.

OK – enough whining for today. Time for sleep and a new day. Things always look better in the new day.

Blog on life support.....

2006-08-01T21:09:00.000-05:00

I haven’t felt like blogging much lately. No real reason, but there it is. Lots of stuff has been happening anyway. Life moves on, typically at a breakneck pace. So, here is what has been going on.

My “big boy” turned 17 on the 31st. I can’t believe I have a 17 year-old son now. That is beyond comprehension. To amplify the effect, he got his drivers license three days before his birthday. So, he is now starting to drive solo. Mom and Dad need prayers on this one. Raising parents is always so hard.

Summer has been busy but good for the kids. My son has been musically focused between marching band mini-camp and Cavalier’s camp. He has had several leadership workdays for marching band, and his bassoon lessons have kept up this summer. Last weekend he attended a two-day class on making his bassoon reeds. Hopefully, that will save Dad a few $$$ in the long run. Band camp started yesterday and next week is the “away” week of band camp held at Cuivre River State Park in Troy, MO. Being band booster president this year has been REALLY busy and challenging. This is the busiest season of the year so life is likely to be crazy for another few months.

My daughter spent a lot of her summer taking summer school PE getting ready for her freshman year. She even managed to get me to go out and play tennis with her. I haven’t played tennis in 30 years (although I used to love it). Other than that she has done a lot of reading, dog sitting and practicing her violin. It has been great just having her around the house.

Work is about the same – traveling two days a week and worrying about my job surviving the other five days. That is a long story, not worth going into here.

The heat has been brutal here, as it has for most of you. Last Monday my car thermometer, while the car was parked in the shade, displayed 104 deg. On the highway, it was 108. This is nuts.

I have finished several good audio books lately including “Eragon”, “Heart of the Sea”, “Bag of Bones”, and “Birthright”. I am currently listening to “The Thrall’s Tale” and just picked up “Eldest” from the library right before this current trip. I have also been listening to the Garth Brooks boxed set and watching the included DVD. Also in the player has been the new Dixie Chicks album (really great!), assorted classical and dulcimer music (including the Hanshaw Trio album – hi Marcy!). I just bought the double DVD of the AKUS concert, the CD of which is one of my favorites. My son has also been dragging me to Drum Corp International (DCI) competitions in Columbia, MO, Alton, IL and near home recently. Well, he doesn’t have to drag hard as it is a lot of fun. I am supposed to be playing music with a friend on August 19th at a local farmer’s market. So, I am trying to find time to practice as it has been a long time. I am learning some new songs I have been wanting to learn for a while, so it should be interesting.

I am not currently terribly happy at church right now – it is a long story and may have as much to do with me as with the things going on. Naturally, both of my kids are very happy with the youth group, so we are staying for now. As long as my kids are engaged, I’ll adapt although some adaptation will be necessary.

There is more, but those are the high spots. Life is basically good, but rather challenging right now. All, the rest of it - dreams, needs, fears, exhilarations, etc. – well, those will need to wait for a bit.

Caring....

2006-07-06T21:16:00.000-05:00

I arrived home tonight after two days out of town, anxious to be home and with all of those I love. At dinner I was attempting to share with those at the table my thoughts about a fictional book I am reading dealing with adoption, etc. The book has struck a chord with me for a variety of reasons. A minute or so into what I was saying I connected with the faces of those at the table and quickly realized that they could care less. They were all staring off into space, watching people around the restaurant, watching the ballgame on the TV..... I quickly confirmed no one had a clue what I was saying...and they didn't care.

It is one thing to say you care for someone, but quite another to actually do it. I had been gone for two days....would it have killed anyone to listen to me for five minutes? I didn't even make it past the quick telling of facts and figures, much less my feelings. Once again, I suppose I am guilty of casting pearls before swine. I know better. But, every so often I just want to share my feelings with someone....anyone who will actually listen. Someday, maybe I'll learn.

Life is busy right now - lots of things going on. Some are good, some are bad, and all are demanding my attention. On top of all that I haven't had much to say lately. A friend who is new to the Internet recently asked me why I have a blog...what do I get out of it? I find myself unable to answer that question...but I will think on it for a while. I feel as though it is a question worth answering.

Quick update...

2006-06-27T19:16:00.000-05:00

Well, the Monday bloodbath didn't happen (delaying tactics)but the evening band board meeting went well. AFter cleaning up all the numbers, dealing with some new district policies, etc. etc. we actually managed to balance our budget. Of course finding one major error in my spreadsheet helped quite a bit. Still, it was a great (3 1/2 hour) meeting and we got a lot solved. Good thing too as the first day of band mini-camp was today!

So, all is OK for the moment. My job search continues and I have my resume in the hands of one hiring manager. Who knows - one day at a time. For today, life is good.....and "each day has enough trouble of its own."

On another front....

2006-06-25T21:35:00.000-05:00

I managed to find time today to finish a spreadsheet that tore apart our band director's "budget" estimate for the coming season. After finishing my task and going over the spreadsheet multiple times I finally had to accept that his budget was totally wrong and the real budget when placed against what he asked for in terms of student fees will place the band boosters about $22,000 in debt. Considering the boosters can't operate in debt or on credit, this is a huge problem. How do I get myself into these things? So, I called an emergency meeting of the band booster board tomorrow night at my home to discuss the band's financial situation. I have no idea how we are going to make things work short of gutting the plans for this season or asking parents for another $200 per kid in band fees. My son is not going to be happy with me. Nor is anyone else, even though nothing of this is my fault. A month ago my wife said I was a hero for jumping in to help the band. Thirty minutes ago she called me the "idiot who was stupid enough to take a job everyone else was smart enough to avoid." Did you feel that room spin?

Tomorrow at work is expected to be a blood-letting. Our development director is back from India where things are not going well, all of our major projects are behind, one of the project managers sent a nasty but truthful email calling out our director for his errors, and this is all supposed to be straightened out tomorrow. I can hardly wait.

On the bright side, the doctor said my arm is not seriously hurt - only a very bad muscle pull. She gave me some Rx to make it better..but it might take a while. That is good - I was afraid of the possible surgery option.

It is Sunday evening, I am in the darkness of my basement where there is a cool, quiet peace. At the moment, the troubles of tomorrow seem a very long way away. For now, this is just a small blessing of God.

Psalm 91

1 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say of Jehovah, He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in whom I trust. 3 For he will deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, And from the deadly pestilence. 4 He will cover thee with his pinions, And under his wings shalt thou take refuge: His truth is a shield and a buckler.

Amen.

Favorite Quote of the Day

2006-06-25T21:31:00.000-05:00

"Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer."

Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, p26

It could have been me.....

2006-06-25T21:18:00.000-05:00

In church this morning our elders informed us that our primary teaching elder and the head of our children's ministries have been involved in an adulterous affair. Both have been terminated and the church has begun trying to work with them on rebuilding and reconciliation. I was not personally that close to either one, being new to the church, but I have been touched by the elders sermons - he is a powerful man in the pulpit. Even in light of the revelation, I have no doubt that he loves God with all of his heart. That is the heinous power of sin.

Once again I am reminded of something my grandmother was fond of saying - "There, but for the Grace of God, go I." Or, as our founding pastor said this morning, "I am but three bad decisions away from ending up exactly like him...and so are you."

Dear Lord, please save us all from ourselves.

The World Spins On......

2006-06-23T08:24:00.000-05:00

The last week has been good, by most of the measures I use for such things. My two days at the customer site this week were uneventful, the trip was good, and everything related to all the planning for this year’s marching band season is coming together. A little more time at home would be nice, but I’m not complaining.

Last night started things back to reality. My son is sick – he who is never sick. Nothing major, but definitely uncomfortable. Today I am feeling my sinuses like I am trying to come down with it as well. My day stated with my wife being mad at me and I hadn’t even gotten out of bed. Turns out I was “wringing my feet’ in my sleep – it is a habit of mine sometimes. It apparently woke my wife up and I started my day with my wife angry and not speaking. You know, I would at least like the chance to get out of bed and screw something up before people get mad at me……

Work is a mess. I’ll spare you the details, but our company is doing everything possible to take themselves under and I am concerned that it will take my customer contract with it. So, I am starting to look for a job again. I am so sick of this, but I guess it is just a sign of the times. This was accompanied the other day by my wife’s typical lecture that I can’t let my salary go down when I change jobs, her favorite mantra. This was especially ironic in light of the nearly $300 my wife spent in ‘educational books’ for the children despite my insistence that they were not only not necessary but there was a computer program I could buy containing about 80% of the same content for $20.

Right now, I guess I am just feeling old and tired – a typical refrain anymore. I have an appt. with the doctor today for a regular diabetes follow-up and to get my arm looked at. Hopefully the arm thing isn’t too serious, but it still hurts a lot to use it, so I need to protect my job and insurance until I get this taken care of.

On a bright note, one of my best friends is getting married in July and he called me yesterday to ask if I would officiate at his wedding. I told him I would be honored and I am really looking forward to it. This has, however, caused some stress with the wife who is always less than thrilled whenever my ordination rears its ugly head. (One of those ultimatum things that Reloaded was talking about) Oh well – I wouldn’t miss this wedding for the world.

So, with Rich Mullins playing the background and the promise of a DCI competition to go see tommorow night at Mizzou, I am trying to cheer up and enjoy the day. Wonder what is for lunch? :-)

Home at last...

2006-06-14T22:21:00.000-05:00

Well, I finally got home about 8pm tonight. I am really looking forward to a good night's sleep in my very own bed. That is so awesome. I really don't mind the traveling, but this was a bit of a long stretch, considering all I did over the weekend was work. Now, I can get a good night's sleep and relax a bit tomorrow and Friday. I'm still working but the immediate pressure is off.

I was listening to some Rich Mullins on the way home tonight - what an awesome performer. I was thinking back to when I saw him in concert so many years ago. Then I read Dawn's blog listing some of her artists and saw many older artists on there that I used to really enjoy (like David Meece). Then the other day I listened to a CD of Jesus People era Christian music with people like Honeytree, Evie, 2nd Chapter, Barry McGuire, etc. etc. Suddenly, I am very nostalgic and ready to dive through all the old albums to see what treasure I can find there!

Good day sunshine....

2006-06-13T21:38:00.000-05:00

Time is flying quickly past but life has been going rather well. Last Friday I picked my son up from the Cavaliers camp - he had a ball. I enjoyed seeing their performance of both the stuff the campers worked on as well as the first 6 minutes of their 11 minute show. Someone from the Cavaliers posted a clip from their performance that night on the web - neat perspective. Click here to see the video

Sadly, I worked all day Sat and Sun getting ready for a training on Monday and Tuesday. Sunday evening I drove back to Peoria and happily the training went off very well. Today was beautiful and sunny here, and while it was a bit warm, it was nowhere near unpleasant. Quite a lovely day. After some meetings tomorrow I get to go home for a couple of days. It will be nice to get home again.

Otherwise, all is well - my son has started some service work he has to do for school and my daughter began her summer school PE today. My thoughts have been occupied with planning for band camp and the upcoming leadership camp in August. My son's band is getting very busy and the season isn't even here yet. I love marching band season though - it is a lot of work but so much fun.

Playing music myself has been suffering more than a bit. After this week I should start having more consistent time at home (I hope). However, I am going to have to go see the Dr. about my right arm. About three weeks ago I tried to lift a seat out of my van and heard a loud "pop" in my right elbow (upper side) followed by pain. it really isn't getting any better and sometimes hurts just sitting still. I figure I probably hurt something more than a mere strain, and now that I am coming out of denial I had better get it looked at. Sigh - it is heck to get old. I tried playing my HD the other day and the arm hurt too much. Typing (holding the arm level) hurts too. So.....another round of doctors.

Still and all, life is good.

Catching up....

2006-06-08T20:39:00.000-05:00

What a week! I have been in Peoria all week doing some usability testing on our software with our main customer. The sessions have been useful, but we have been going full tilt since Monday, with our days starting at about 6:30 and ending (with customer dinners, etc.) usually around 10 p.m. Tonight I made it back to the hotel by about 5:45 which was great. Now my stress levels are shifting and I am focusing on a training session I have to give next Monday and Tuesday. The training materials aren't ready and it is going to be a very long weekend.

Random Thoughts

As much as I enjoy looking at Angelina Jolie, I am sick of hearing about her, Brad Pitt and their new baby. Blessings on the new birth, but I think I have all the info I need....uh...probably forever.
I am saddened today at the news coverage of the death of Al-Zaqawi (sp). The guy was definitely evil and his death was sadly necessary in the fight, but do so many people have to rejoice about it? I guess I struggle with people rejoicing over the death of another human being - any human being - regardless of the reason. The death of another human being should all give us pause, and make us sad for the brutal, lost and savage nature of mankind that all of these events should happen.
I received an email from church today and found myself deleting it. I am back to my avoidance of church people again. What is the old bumper sticker? "Lord, deliver me from your followers." I guess I am pulling back in for a while. I'll just go to church services and come home. It is safer that way until I am ready to deal with the crazies..if ever.
I am trying to stay focused on music stuff, but work has been totally consuming my thoughts lately. I don't mind working hard - never have. But I do mind when work completely consumes my thoughts, even in my time away from work. I hope this passes soon as I need to get back to some balance.
The lonliness is serious again. I go through cycles where the lack of intimate and romantic communication in my life really gets to me and drags me down. I am in the middle of one of those cycles right now. It will pass as always, but I keep wondering why things have to be this way. Sometimes I feel like I am doing some sort of weird pennance from some horrible evil I have done, and yet I have no idea what that might have been.
Father's Day is coming up, and this will be the first Father's Day without my Dad. It is going to be strange. And yet, I am grateful for the good times I had with my Dad, and, more importantly, I am looking forward to seeing him again someday.

Spring and fun things.....

2006-06-03T23:19:00.000-05:00

Today was a thoroughly enjoyable day. After picking up my rental car for next one-and-a-half weeks of business travel, my daughter, her friend and three friends of mine spent the day at the St. Louis Renaissance Festival. I love Renn Faires. It probably has a lot more to do with escapism than I would like to admit, but I have always enjoyed them. We all made it until about 4pm after which we came home, and I have spent the rest of the day pretty much vegging out. Tomorrow is cleaning, packing and traveling to Eastern Illinois University to drop my son off for a week of Cavalier's camp. So, tonight is downtime. Of course, my wife is less than happy with me over that (well, at least I think that is what she is unhappy about) - pretty typical. Life moves on.

I did notice today that my insecurities were in full force at the Renn Faire. At every show I attended I was motified at the thought I might be called on and have to actually go up in front of everyone. Why is that? Would it be so bad? Same thing later - I met a nice HD player and spent time talking with him and listening to him play. At one point he offered me the hammers and cordially asked if I wanted to "show off a bit." I felt the panic hit me and declined as politely as possible. Why is that? I mean I'm not Ken Kolodner but I can play and wouldn't have embarrassed myself. I really need to work on this whole confidence thing.

Round 2

2006-05-30T19:30:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the great comments. Some thoughts from a day later.....

I'm not really sure most of the time where I fall on pre-destination and pre-determination of actions, except that I feel both extremes are probably incorrect. The more I study it the more I think that God is right and we are wrong. :-) Seriously - I think God, being sovereign, can choose to control absolutely everything if He wishes, allow things to happen naturally without His interventions if He chooses, or any mix of the above. He can also choose to respect His creations and the laws He put in place to control them, or he can choose to totally override/ignore it. I somehow think the reality of how God runs the universe is far more complicated and multi-faceted than we have any hope of fully understanding.

My kids have been a big insight for me into God. Whether it is right or wrong, my theology has been profoundly affected by my kids. As far as what a believer has to offer to God, I think growing children are a fantastic analogy. When we are first born, we are totally helpless. Like a new Christian our lives are full of joy and exploration but we are completely dependent on our parents for everything. We have no knowledge of good/bad, safe/dangerous, etc. As we grow, we begin to use our gifts and talents. We try to help Mom and Dad in the kitchen. Of course, we are more trouble than help, but our parents work around us, let us feel that we are helping while guiding and directing us the way they want. That awful picture we draw gets put up on the fridge with pride. Is it really beautiful art? Nope - no way. But it is precious and special because of our parent's love for us. The "toddler" Christian knows enough to engage but is constantly toddling about, more hindrance than help, but dearly loved by God and allowed to participate whenever possible. Even though they ignore many of the things requested of them, they will often give extravagant gifts of love and occasionally accomplish remarkable things - all to the cheering of a loving Father.

The teenage years bring more maturity, but also conscious rebellion. By this time the gifts and talents are becoming very real. Some are offered back to the Father willingly and some are hidden and kept to one's self. Through it all God's love is faithful and constant and he revels in our (sometimes contrary) company and uses are efforts as He can. He takes pride in watching our attempts, encouraging us, giving us our wings while still trying to keep us on the track and moving us closer to His image. Moving closer and closer to maturity our skills become strong and developed, and we actually begin listening to our Father, even doing things He asks us to do. We enjoy spending time with Him and actually begin to take pride in "being like the old Man."

Does God *need* any of our help? No. Could He do everything without us? Absolutely. But He enjoys our company and revels in us, our mistakes, our joys, our failures and takes pride in being our Father. That takes a grace and a love that we can only have the smallest glimpse of in this life. One thing that Brennan Manning said in "The Ragamuffin Gospel" has always stuck with me, "God already knows that you are going to make more mistakes than you *think* you are going to make, and He loves you anyway." That is an amazing type of love.

About "those discussions" - they are painful. Dogmatic people are typically painful, and this is from someone who is,for the most part, extremely conservative. However, I am interested in finding the truth about God and His nature. That means I have to always be open to the possibility that I am wrong about my previous beliefs. It also means I have to be willing to "turn the diamond" to see what is really there, and be willing to deal with what I find. Dogmatic people can't do that. Conversations with them tend to turn angry and nasty. I'm always amazed how many people try to express how right they are about the nature of God through anger......

About the "hippies" (Reloaded's comment) - I agree totally. We used to comment all the time about how you can have a single mother at church who has to hire movers when she has no money, because no one at her church will help her move. And yet, the guy at the local bar can get a couple of truckloads of people to help him, just by asking. Something about that is disgustingly revealing about the nature of modern American Christianity......

I agree as well that "the opposite of dogmatism is equally frot with peril" - I do think the extremes of most anything are dangerous. History continues to show us that the most radical, dogmatic personalities are also the most dangerous.

The longer I follow Jesus (39 years now) I find that (a) I am way less than perfect and (b) the more I truly understand what its all about, the worse it looks, and (c) Love and Grace are all there really is in this life. Of everything in the Bible, the main things that Jesus commanded us to do were to love God and love each other.

What a concept.

Rules Exist for a Reason.....

2006-05-28T22:23:00.000-05:00

Many years ago, I made a rule for myself that I would not discuss theology or religion with anyone. There is a short list of about two people in my life I will discuss these topics with - they are loving, kind, open minded, and genuinely searching for God and the truth of His nature and the depth of a real relationship with Him. As my faith had matured and my study had increased, I found that so many people who like to discuss religion were narrow minded, poorly studied, dogmatic and sometimes downright stupid. Once beyond the basics (where most believers get stuck) the deeper studies require no small amount of humility and openness - a willingness to open one's self to the mysteries that are the God of the universe. Most people simply can't go there (or are unwilling?). Hence, my rule to be very very careful about choosing who and when I discuss the deeper things of God.

Today, I was forcibly reminded why I made that rule for myself.

I have been attending an eight-week-long men's bible study at our church. It has been boring, at best, covering the basics of Christianity...the sovereignty of God, etc. etc. After the main "lesson" of about 45 minutes, we spend the next 40 minutes or so in small groups. While the lessons have been boring enough, they are well intentioned and the small groups have been amiable and I started to enjoy the company of the men in the group. That is, until today.

The lesson today was about following God and walking in the Spirit. The speaker at some point started talking about marriage and a wife's submission to her husband and of course they were discussing it in the tone of "if you do these things then your wife has *no choice* but to respond and submit herself to you", blah blah.

When we started our small-group discussion I stated that I disagreed with the "submissive wife thing" having seen in my own life and in the lives of dozens of other men that it doesn't always work that way. A husband (or wife) can do everything the Bible says in spades, and that still doesn't mean their spouse will respond. Those comments quickly opened the door into a discussion of free will and predestination. Oh boy - did I ever quickly remember why I DON'T discuss theology with other people.

To make a long story short, the other people in the group (every one of them) hold the opinion that EVERYTHING is pre-destined. Everything. Not only *who* is saved, but every action we take, everything we do. In talking about prayer, well, we are not able to pray unless God makes us pray. According to them, there is nothing we do in our lives that is of our own choosing - nothing. If I go out and water the lawn - God ordained me to do it. If I choose to do some good deed - I have no part in it as it was only because God led me to do it. Their attitude is so complete and so all-encompassing that it reduces we Christians to nothing more than spiritual pets - puppets in some sort of cosmic game that removes not only all ability for Christians to make any contribution to the kingdom or offer any of our own efforts, no matter how measly. Their attitude was that it made no difference to pray, read your Bible, etc. as what was to be has already been ordained, and no effort on our part is required, no would it make ANY difference to anything. They do not believe that prayer makes any difference, as God already knows what He is going to do and we are but powerless to acquiesce to it. They openly said that God does NOT respond to prayer - only to what he has already planned to do.

And, of course, they take their beliefs farther, we have no say in what we do and the progress we make in our spiritual journey. So, if we are not progressing in our faith, or not doing things such as praying or bible reading, then, of course, it stands to reason that it is all because God has ordained that it be thus. Also, it is to be understood that if one is not making progress on their spiritual journey, then it is because they were never Christians at all because otherwise, God would have pre-ordained that they would make progress in that journey. That whole belief system removes the need for all responsibility and personal accountability from the believer! The effort to try and follow Christ requires nothing from the believer as "God will do it all" and if the believer isn't living the life well, then "God hasn't preordained that".

Anyway...needless to say, my attempts to "discuss" this went nowhere. I was shut down, and hard, by the entire group. After about the first 10 minutes I just sat silently through the rest of the "discussion" and kept reminding myself why I don't discuss theology with hardly anyone in life. I was planning to stay for church after that, but my mood was such that the kids and I just left and went home. The youth have a complete worship service during the first hour (complete with their own band and preacher), so I didn't feel bad leaving. I just had my fill of nonsense for the day.

I really need to remember that I have rules for myself for a reason....

Insantiy, Intimacy and Age

2006-05-21T19:01:00.000-05:00

Well, I think I am officially nuts. Earlier this week I decided that I would volunteer to be the new band booster president for the Ft.Zumwalt West High School Silver Jaguar Brigade. (http://www.fzwband.net) I truly enjoy my time with my son's Marching Band. Through those activities I have had the chance to relive my high school years and the times I had in marching band, which were some of the best of my life. We currently have a very strong president who is amazing and just a neat person. Unfortunately, she has a very weak board surrounding her and a lot of very disengaged parents. We have been working on the parents and things have improved considerably. The whole board is turning over next year and the parents who have volunteered to take their places are very strong and committed. But, they couldn't find anyone to be band president. So, here I am. I am excited (and scared) and looking forward to (and dreading) the challenge. Like I said, I must be nuts.

In church this morning we had the fifth week of our men's class called "The Inner Man". Our small group that discusses things after the lesson has been a great group of guys. Today, we started moving toward real intimacy and toward making some serious connections with each other. It went unexpectedly well and I think God may have lead me to an interesting place with these guys. Time will tell if this turns into anything more than superficial "churchy" stuff. Hopefully, these relationships become real and sustainable.

Finally, I am feeling very old today. For a while now I have been mentally struggling with my weight and general lack of condition. I keep inching closer to doing something about it, but never quite get there. Of course, today I was taking the seats out of the van and heard a very distinct "POP" sounds from deep within my right elbow (folowed by pain). I did something, but am not sure what. It has started feeling a bit better but still hurts to use it too much. Hopefully I just pulled a muscle - I really don't want to think right now about other possible options. So, I am on the ibuprofen and ice pack, wishing I was 16 again (at least physically). In some ways, it sucks to get old.

Otherwise, the weather is great and life has been pretty wonderful overall. Hope everyone else is doing well.

Happy Mother's Day!

2006-05-14T19:45:00.000-05:00

I'd like to wish a happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. You are all so critical and provide so much to your families.

For me, I was blessed to have two mothers, both of whom have been sadly absent from my life for far too long. Both of them left indelible marks on me that made me the person I am.

I have never known my birth mother, but still have hopes of finding and meeting her someday. To her I would say "thank you" for loving me enough to give me up to a good home and loving adoptive parents. Pansy, if God is gracious, I hope to tell you that in person someday.

And on this mother's day I want to remember my "real" mother. Although she died when I was only 10, the majority of who I am today is due to her. I feel her personality in me and the love that she gave me. She taught me to love others and introduced me to the love of music. In those 10 years she gave so very much. There are no words for how much I am looking forward to seeing her in heaven some day. I miss her so much....still and always.

One of the surprise blessings when my father died last Fall was that I met quite a few of my mother's friends during the visitation and funeral. The biggest joy of meeting all these people who had known me since I was born was to listen to their glowing descriptions of my mother. My father once said that no one had ever said a bad word about my mother and that everyone loved her. I was able to experience a small bit of that through her friends and their stories of her. What an unbelievable blessing.

How time flies (continued....)

2006-04-29T08:46:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been another long spanse of time since I last posted. My new position at work has kept me hopping and traveling. I am not quite into the rhythm of things yet, but I am getting there. It is the whole world of travel arrangements, rental cars, and all that goes with it. It has been a while for me since I have done all of this, but it is coming back to me slowly.

Everything else has been a bit on the boring side. There has been practically no time for music or anything else lately. Everything has been all about business and getting this new position up and running. I am hoping things will lighten up in another week or two. More later...

How Time Flies!

2006-04-19T22:38:00.000-05:00

Wow...I can't believe it has been this long since I wrote something here. Time sure has a way of flying past.

Vacation was really good, although it really contained nothing spectacular. I spent a lot of time working around the house and doing things that needed to be done. I didn't get done with anything, but I made progresss in almost every area I wanted. That was a good thing. We planted flowers, and three new tress and a host of other yard things. I did work inside the house and ran errands galore to get the kids instruments repaired, etc. Most importantly, I got a lot of work done on the bookcases. Another good day and I should have them all cut out and put together - then I can begin staining them. All-in-all a great week.

This week I have been out of town on business. I have been really busy both in the day and in the evenings just catching up on some things. But, I am also getting to some things that have been waiting a long time for attention. Life is busy, but life is good.

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. I am trying to be happier and unload some of the weight of daily living. I have been mostly successful but it is going to be a daily struggle.

I enjoyed reading allenreloaded's blog - he has tapped into a lot of things I could have written myself. More on that later but that would take too much time. Right now, I need to head to bed and get ready for the morning.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Vacation!

2006-04-09T07:30:00.000-05:00

Spring Break is here! I decided to take a week off to work around the house and spend some time with the kids. There are only a couple of years left before my kids will be out of the house, so I want to be with them as much as possible. These vacation days are left over from last year as I never had time to take them. It is a good thing, really, as I feel like I really need to take a break. There are so many pending projects around the house, especially finishing some built-in bookcases for our bedroom that began about four months ago.

So, the week will hopefully be full of things that I want to do, combined with a few of those things that just need to be done (like planting flowers, etc.....I have to give the wife *some* of my time). About mid-week I may even take a drive down to Dexter, MO where I was born to do some genealogy research. Hopefully, that will get worked in somehow.

I want to spend some time also trying to find myself again - the happy, cheerful person I used to be who seems to have been replaced by an incredibly serious, almost depressed and morose individual. My stress levels have been high for years between my jobs, my wife's health, raising the kids, etc. but I am coming to find that I have paid a very high price for all of this. Somehow, I want to be happy again and not feel so incredibly burdened all the time. There are no answers yet, but I have started the search to find my old self - the person I used to like a lot more than I like myself now. There has to be a way that I can meet my obligations to everyone without becoming someone I don't want to be.

After vacation, I begin my new position at my company, as a consultant to our largest customer. I will be onsite with them in Peoria (about 3 hours from here) for two days per week going forward and will begin by being up there for a week. This promises to be an interesting position, but we'll have to see how this works out. At the very least I should have at least one night a week to myself, which is more time than I ever get at home to focus on myself. I am planning to take my hammered dulcimer with me and maybe get some practice. My laptop will let me work on some genealogy at the hotel as well. Maybe I'll even do some writing like I used to. The company's problems continue, but as a consultant I am now "paid for" by our customer, which will hopefully alleviate some of the pressure I feel because of all of the company's current financial problems and downsizing.

I notice that I always seem to end on a down note....like I have to be depressed. I really need to work on that.

Reality vs. Perception

2006-04-08T09:06:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week I once again was privileged to hear someone use the phrase "Perception is Reality". I cannot begin to say how many times in my career I have heard some clueless member of executive management use that phrase. Every time I hear it, it galls me, typically because the person uttering it has no clue what is really going on in the world they are supposedly managing.

Perception is NOT reality and never will be. Reality is reality. Perception is only reality for those people in this world who are too ignorant, lazy or indifferent to understand what is actually happening in their world. And there is no is excuse for that type of sloth.

Friday Feast

2006-04-07T22:30:00.000-05:00

Appetizer
Name a trait you share with your parents or your children.

My son and I are both very laid back and tend to approach life in the same way.

Soup
List 3 qualities of a good leader, in your opinion.

Humility
A servant’s attitude
Willing to do anything he/she would ask others to do

Salad
Who is your favorite television chef?

I used to faithfully watch Graham Kerr. I also liked Martin Yan.

Main Course
Share a story about a gift you received from someone you love.

My music was always a problem with my step-mother and it was pretty much banned from the house. My instruments were regularly stashed at the houses of friends, especially my guitar. When I graduated from high school, my Dad took me to the local music store (in defiance of my step-mother) and bought me a beautiful hard shell case for my guitar so I could take it with me to college.

Dessert
How do you react under pressure?

I tend to get quiet, pull in and withdraw.

A new experience.....

2006-03-27T15:08:00.000-06:00

I woke this morning at 4 a.m., stirring for no apparent reason and completely overwhelmed by the need to pray. I have never really experienced anything this strong in my life, but have heard of such things. The urge to pray was almost desperate and fervent. I have no idea why. It wasn't like I was feeling an urge to pray for someone or a specific some 'thing'. So, I prayed for everything and everyone I could think of. And, along the way, I kept asking God what I should be praying about and why. No answer. But, the urge was so real and so strong that it woke me up out of a sound sleep and the Spirit compelled me to pray.

The day has been fairly uneventful so far. At present I haven't heard of anything that would give me a reason to know why I prayed. I figure I may never know.

Everything else is just moving along. No new word on the job yet, but I am expecting something any day. The family is fine and I have been pretty much consumed lately just being "Dad" and taking care of business. Things could be a lot worse.

Hope everyone is well.

Sweet Dreams

2006-03-20T08:20:00.000-06:00

I woke this morning and realized that I dreamed all night last night about my family. It was much like looking through a scapbook or watching a series of home movies. There were lots of vignettes of my parents, grandparents, my Kentucky cousins, etc. It was very wonderful and comforting, and only twinged with the slightest bit of sorrow as I woke. Most of these folks are long gone. I have trouble remembering events, especially things from my childhood. I have theories about why that is, but dreams like that are wonderful to me. Somwhere in my mind all of these images are captured and are part of me. It is such a blessing to get a glimpse into them every now and again.

There is a certain sadness about growing older. It is sublte, but pervasive, and I have come to believe that it is linked to the number of tally marks in the living versus dead column of our ledger books. The older I get, there are more people who are no longer here. As the tick marks in the column of the dead slowly increase, I find myself with this nearly imperceptable sadness - a longing for reunion. It will be a glorious day when we are all reunited again.

Catching up on things.....

2006-03-19T20:32:00.000-06:00

It has been a while, but there are a great many things going on. So, in the interest of brevity, I will stick to what is going on and save the philosophy and observations for another day.

On the job front, my boss surprised me a week ago. I have been struggling with our company, its imminent outsourcing of our development work and the incessant cost cutting (i.e. layoffs). Now, just when my job search is in high gear he informs me that they want to make me a consultant to our largest customer. The customer needs a full time “liason” with our company and has asked for me by name. The job will take effect within a couple of weeks (pending final contract acceptance). SO…now I will be spending at least one day a week at the customer site (about 3 hours from here) and will technically be working for them as far as projects are concerned. And, most importantly, I am now 100% billable, so I am now “protected” of sorts. Oh yeah..the job involves performing some training on our product for other sections of the customer's company. The last training they did was in Geneva! I may yet get some stamps in my passport before it expires! Now, I wait until things get underway and see how the job description compares to the reality of the job.

Happy (Late) St. Patrick’s Day! Hope everyone had a good holiday. Our group played at a local assisted living center. It was our first time playing out in quite a while and it was very enjoyable. Everyone seemed to have a good time. The funny thing is that the more I play, the more I want to play. I need to work on that.

The kids have been busy. In the last week or so my son has played in the district solo (bassoon solo 1st) and Ensemble (bassoon trio – 1st) contest. He has had a school band concert and a concert with the St. Charles County Symphony. During this same week my daughter had a concert with the St. Charles County Youth Symphony. Lots of great music, but a lot of “stuff” in a short period of time.

We have had storms in the area – you probably read about the tornadoes. None of them affected us directly, but there is a lot of damage in the area. It looks like it is going to be a long, nasty storm season. Of course, it was 75 degrees the other day. Tomorrow morning they are expecting sleet followed by 2-4” of snow. Gotta love early Spring.

I have been listening to a book on tape driving to and from work – The Historian. It is a story woven around Vlad Tepes and Dracula legend. I have been surprisingly hooked by the story. The book mentions lots of details about Hungary, Bulgaria, Romania, Italy, etc. etc. It makes me want to travel. At this point, I think I’d be happy to visit Hannibal some weekend (about 1 ½ hours from here).

I have had lots of thoughts about lots of things, but have had no time to write. Such is life I guess. At this point, it is enough to say that God is still good and still on the throne. Everything else, we just get to work out. More later when things calm down…. Blessings to all.

Refining souls

2006-03-10T09:50:00.000-06:00

I received this on email today. Like so many things on the web, I have no idea if the silversmithing facts are true, but I like the story so I thought I would share it:

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it"

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Rain (finally)

2006-03-08T08:37:00.000-06:00

I woke this morning to the sound of rain. It was a slow, steady rain outside of my bedroom window. I sat and listened to the occasional low, bassy rumble of thunder. I have always liked rain. There is something about it that is soothing - something about the darkness of the clouds that is comforting. Yeah, I know, most people would think that strange. But as I lay there this morning in bed, dreading the fact that I was about to have to get up, it was really wonderful to just relax and enjoy nature's small symphony.

Other Thoughts....

* Dana Reeve - how very sad. So very young to die, especially after what she had been through. Just another reminder that life can be very short and nothing is guaranteed to anyone.

* American Idol - I missed it last night (shoot!)

* Grace, love and mercy - I found myself thinking last night about these aspects of God. How incredibly undeserving of all of them we are, and yet, how graciously God gives these to us.

On Belonging.....

2006-03-07T22:37:00.000-06:00

I haven't been in much of a mood lately to write. Not that there is anything particularly wrong. I just haven't felt like talking or writing. Sometimes the pulling in and the silence are comforting when the outside stresses get a bit crazy.

Not much is going on. That really isn't a bad thing. It just means that life is kind of “even” right now - the good and bad things sort of leveling out. The kids are doing well, my wife is about the same, and work, while still not good, is not much worse either. The days fly by full of work, housework, shuttling the kids to and from practices and events. It is basically a good life. Someday, when things slow down enough, I'll look back and find I really enjoyed myself. ;-)

Do you ever struggle with feeling like you don't belong? That sounds silly...but seriously. Do you ever feel like you don't belong anywhere...that no matter where you are or what you are doing you are in the way? That pretty much describes my life. Some days it goes by almost unnoticed, and on other days it becomes the loud trumpet in my ear that won't relent.

You know the feeling...it is the same feeling you get when you walk into the lobby of a really fancy hotel and the whole time you have this feeling that you really don't belong. You are just certain that someone is about to tap you on the shoulder and ask you to leave because, obviously, you don’t belong there. It is silly, I know, but it is very real. I feel it all the time. I have been at dulcimer festivals sitting in a class and found myself feeling that I shouldn't be there and knowing for sure that everyone else around me undoubtedly felt the same. In my logical mind I know this is not true. But, it is very real....and I have the feeling I am not alone in this.

I have no idea where this massive insecurity comes from. Could it be from the fact that I am adopted? There are days when that is a strong part of the feeling – in some way connecting with the fact that my birth mother and father didn’t want me. I know that the story is more complex than that and I am grateful to my birth mother that she found me a great home. But…the feeling is there. Mostly, I think these feelings come from a lack of connectedness. Human beings are meant to be connected to each other, and when we aren't, we sense it - strongly. But mine goes further. Heck, I didn't start a blog for the longest time because I didn't feel I belonged out here...that someone would chase me away if I did because I had no business doing such a thing. There seems to be no part of my life that this feeling doesn’t extend into.

Belonging is a hard thing. To really rest in, and know, that you are comfortably and without question a part of something or someone else. My wife has always been emotionally distant - that is her nature. My kids are off in their own direction, which is good and proper for kids growing up to be busy finding out who they are and where they need to be. At work, regardless of my job over the years, I have always felt like the imposter who is about to be found out for being a total boob with no skills. Logically, I know that isn't the case, but it sure feels like it.

I have so many things I want/need to do in life, and a great many of them are, in some small way or another, backlogged behind this issue. I have had several offers to play music solo in local coffee houses and churches - why haven't I done it? I haven’t because, of course, I don't belong there. At least that is how I feel. People will laugh at me and confirm what I already know - that I am awful and don't belong. Why don't I lose weight and get in shape? I don't belong with the skinny people...the ones that are liked by everyone. They belong. And since I don't, well, there you have it. See how crazy this gets?

I pray about this a lot and most of the time I manage to keep things on a relatively even keel. Most people who are around me daily would be shocked to find that I am so insecure about everything. I hide it well – very well. Some days though it creeps up on me. This past week has been brutal. Sometimes, these feelings reach critical mass and then all you can think about is running into someone's arms to be held and be told that you are OK, that you do have worth and value and your life isn't a waste. Sadly, as we get older, those moments never come even though the need for affirmation gets stronger and life keeps taking shots at us and our self-esteem.

What’s the point? Who knows. It is just another day on the journey home where I really will (finally) belong.....

Beautiful Day....

2006-03-01T09:25:00.000-06:00

After a rather nasty evening (I'll skip the details) this morning has been the start of a beautiful day. I woke to a wonderful sunrise, treated myself to a biscuit at Hardees , then drove to work admiring a sunny blue sky with no clouds. The high today is supposed to be 78 (which is just plain weird for March 1st). I even passed someone on the way to work who was driving a beautiful, pristine 'Cuda....always one of my favorite cars. And, on the way to work I was listening to a HD workshop I attended last Fall in Branson. It made me happy to hear the music and think about all the great people that were there.

The great start didnt' really "fix" anything, but I can feel the pressure "back down" just a bit.....these blessings really are so amazing. Here is hoping everyone out there has a great day - we all deserve one now and again.

Shocked...and disgusted....

2006-02-28T22:56:00.000-06:00

I read a story today that talked about the new practice (last two years or so) of corporations actually suing their retirees to terminate their health benefits. These retirees are covered under union labor contracts and were promised lifetime health benefits. The strategy is to find one of your retirees in an area most receptive to business, sue him to terminate coverage and try to win (claiming that lifetime doesn't mean the lifetime of the employee but the lifetime of the contact, which has ended). While the legal hassles rage on, the employee has no benefits, and the intent is to drag things out to save the company money and maybe even drag it out until the employee dies. Should you get a favorable ruling, you can then apply the results to all of your retirees as being part of the same class.

Shocked: I am shocked that people are actually thinking up things like this....even more shocked that companies are winning in about 50% of the cases.

Disgusted: I am disgusted by how many people I have mentioned this to actually think it is a good idea, and believe that promises to retirees should be able to be broken based on the current needs of the business. I am even more disgusted at the callousness these people have toward poor, old folks who worked a lifetime at these companies and are repayed by being screwed when they are least able to defend themselves.

My father taught me early that a man's word is his bond. A man does not break his word - ever. Contracts are not necessary - you live up to your word and a handshake can seal a deal as tight as any contract. Period.

Don't these people realize we will all be old someday?

Adoption and other life-changing events....

2006-02-27T21:43:00.000-06:00

I figured maybe it was time to clarify a comment I made about my birth mother. I was adopted at birth by an amazing, loving family. I was raised in a great home and always knew I was adopted. It never really was an issue for me like it is for some folks who don't find out until they are much older.

I have always had a curiosity about my birth mother and father. It has never been obsessive, but it has been a constant. In the past 10 years, the curiosity has continued to grow. About that time I found out the story of my adoption for the first time. My mother's name was Pansy Johnson and she was a bartender in Dexter, MO. Supposedly, she was a quite beautiful redhead. She was also pregnant with me and had a young son of about two years old. A man who was my father's barber (nicknamed Ace) was traveling through Dexter on a business trip and met my mother. She told him that her husband had left her and she was out of options and trying to figure out what to do. He knew that my adoptive parents had been trying to conceive but couldn't. SO..long story short - a private adoption was arranged for me and my brother. My parents adopted me and Ace adopted my brother. Supposedly, after the adoptions, Pansy got her life together and married a farmer and moved to Iowa.

So...I knew I had a mother, a father and a brother. And I had a name for my mother. That was all I had to go on. Amazingly, about two years ago I ran into a lady on the genealogy forums for Stoddard County MO who was also looking for a Pansy Johnson. We began exchanging emails and found that her Dad's adoptive father's name (her grandfather) was Ace, who was a a barber in East St. Louis, IL. It turns out that she was my niece and I had found my brother! Actually, he is my half-brother and his name is Gary. We began comparing stories and paperwork and actually got to meet face-to-face last October. After comparing notes, the adoption is a bit different than my Dad's version.

Pansy was a bartender at Fat's Tavern in Essex, MO during that time and was also an alcoholic. Apparently Johnson was her married name and her husband died sometime between Gary's conception and mine. His adoption papers list his father as "deceased" - mine list my father as "unknown". The private adoption part is all true, except for one small detail - Ace was actually Pansy's second cousin! He wasn't on a business trip, but rather lived in Essex when he was younger. There is other weirdness as well. The paperwork for Gary's adoption was filed two months after he was born....but his adoption wasn't "final" until five years later! Also, my adoption was apparently challenged by a "Cadillac dealer from St. Louis" causing my adoptive parents to move the legal proceedings from MO to Illinois where they lived. My Dad did not know who the challenger was or why. I suspect it may have been my biological father. By the time Gary's adoption was finalized, Pansy had moved to Kimberly, Idaho (not Iowa) and her name had become Pansy Parmar.

So, that is all we know. Oh - Gary and I had genetic DNA testing done which confirmed our half-brother status (same mother, different fathers). Gary lives in Silver Lake, KS and is a heavy equipment operator. We are very different, but in some ways look alike facially. It is the first time I have looked into another person's eyes and been able to see myself. We are still searching, but right now all of our leads have gone cold. I have made one trip to Dexter and we are talking about another one in the near future. Unfortunately, MO is one state where it is nearly impossible to get your original birth certificate, so detective work will have to suffice. I am blessed to have found my brother and his daughter Tammy, and her son Taylor. But, the search continues.

Something about Sundays....

2006-02-26T16:51:00.000-06:00

Lately I find myself getting depressed on Sundays. Part of it has to do with knowing I have to go back to work tomorrow, as things are not good there. The rest of it I am not so sure of. I find myself sitting in church on Sunday mornings and being joyless..... almost angry. At God? Perhaps. This morning's sermon was about shutting down our pride so we are open to God's will for our lives. I have tried to find God's will for my life for so many, many years. All I have heard from God is an abundance of silence. And now, as I prepare for yet again another job change, I find myself asking God "what now?" I am willing to follow Him if He will just tell me where. But, that never seems to happen. It is always just another job to pay the bills and take care of the family. I am not really sure why it always has to be "just that" and no more. Marcy asked in a comment the other day what my dream job would be. I really have no idea at this point - something with music for sure. Working for myself would be marvellous. But, supporting the family is the overriding concern so I never allow myself to think in terms of "dream job".

My family is precious to me, so taking care of them is fine if that is all I am ever meant to accomplish. But now, as I get older I am finding that even just the "job to pay the bills" is getting harder to keep and/or come by. In some ways I guess I am whining but I am also frustrated. I can see the potential of the things I could accomplish and yet am bound up in all directions and so accomplish nothing. Oh well...just one day at a time. As much as I would like to think it is otherwise, it has always really just been one day at a time. And, so, it still is. Amen.

Other stuff

Marcy just posted her report on her Bible reading. I am very impressed she has kept up with it so well and writes such great commentary. Sadly, that has not been the case with me. I have been sporadic at best. I would like to be more faithful in this, but it seems to just be more of the distance I am feeling between God and me right now.
Our group finally practiced last night after about six months. It felt good to practice again after so long. When we started I wasn't really into it, but managed to loosen up considerably once we started playing. We sounded pretty good for not having played together in a long time. We are playing a gig on St. Patrick's Day so the practice comes none too soon. They also have been playing some new tunes I don't know (it is hard with the other three members of the group are in the same family and can, and do, practice anytime they want!)On the bright side, these are songs I have been wanting to learn for a while anyway - Miss McLeod's Reel, Gladstone's Reel, The Boys of Bluehill, The Musical Priest, and Cooley's Reel. Now, I guess I have a reason to practice. Of course, they are wanting to use me on guitar and all of the songs I am playing are on guitar except for two. This is not what we agreed to when we started the group. I was very explicit about the fact that I wanted to do mostly HD. It is just something else I will need to deal with if I keep playing with this group.
I was trimming my mustache this morning after letting it get much longer than I normally would. In the midst of it was a bright red hair. My birth mother was supposedly a redhead and everytime I see a bright red hair in either my beard or my mustache it makes me wonder about her. I really want to find out something about her this year. I'm working on it, but I need to get a new strategy going.

Random thoughts........

2006-02-20T22:05:00.000-06:00

Well, it has been a while since I posted. Not that I haven't tried, mind you. I have tried many times. But, something always comes up one or two sentences into things and I end up closing the window hours later never having written another word. So, here are some random thoughts that have been "collecting".

1. My recovery from surgery continues. I feel almost normal again although the one main incision is going to take a while. I really enjoyed that week off from work...way too much. That should be telling me something.

2. I have been watching the olympics off and on...have you? I am typically a nut about the Olympics, but this year I find myself disinterested, even turned off by them. I'm not really sure why. My disinterest turned to disgust when I watched the way the commentators went after Lindsey Jacobellis after she lost the gold. I mean...she still got the silver - what a tremendous accomplishment. Listening to the commentators you would have thought she was some kind of horrible person who murdered somebody. They have really been rough on her. I feel so sorry for her - she has a pretty rough road at the moment and I have been trying to pray for her as something tells me she really needs it right now.

3. I bought a new laptop on Sunday. That is what I am typing on right now. I had a little money in my music account and was saving for a sound system. But, with everything going on at work, my job search, etc....well, it just seemed like a better investment. It also lets me be nearer to my wife when she is laying down, etc. and I can still get work done. I also wait for my son to get done with his symphony practice (2 hours/wk.), and his bassoon lesson (1 hour/wk.) ...well, you get the idea. I hope it was the right decision as I was really torn about what to do. So, the decision is made. Now, I just need to fill out all of those rebate forms.

4. Speaking of music, I haven't played any in quite a while. I just seem to be in a "down" period right now for playing. I did sit at my mom's piano a few times and just played chords for a while. It felt good to just mess around. Over the weekend I listened to some Ken Kolodner instructional CDs and read through dulcimer players news, but had no desire to play. Strange. My guess is that the work thing is stressing me more than I am aware. Pulling in just seems natural right now for some reason. Oh well...I figure it will pass before long. I mean, I am playing on St. Patrick's day, so it had better pass soon. :-)

5. Last weekend we were at the local Barnes and Noble to support a friend who was having a book signing for her new children's book. It was also a fund-raiser day for my son's marching band - they were getting a percentage of sales that day. So, we wandered around the store for several hours and I browsed through dozens of books. One book I found was written by a women and purported to be a discussion between women about why men are the way they are and how men think from a Christian perspective. I remembered thinking "yeah..this will be great." I am very cynical of such things as I have been "blessed" in that the women in my life are always convinced that they know what I am thinking or feeling, and are always ready to tell me what I think or feel, freely ignoring what I am trying to tell them about my feelings. But, when I started to page through this book, it was really refreshing. She had it nailed...well, at least for the 15 or so pages I thumbed through. Every topic she touched on she had tremendous insight into the way men think and feel. I found myself contemplating buying the book to give to my wife along with my age-old plea to puhleeze read it. Whether or not the book was that good all the way through remains a mystery as I didn't buy it. Why punish myself by trying "just one more time." You can lead a horse to water.....

6. A good friend of mine was supposed to get engaged to an amazingly wonderful woman last weekend. I hope it all went well - I haven't had a chance to talk with him yet. She is the kind of woman that is very rare - beautiful, kind, loving, musical, sexual, passionate, and she loves him dearly. He knows that he has won the relationship lottery and not through his own efforts. He keeps pinching himself to make sure he really isn't dreaming it all. We all want so badly to be loved and needed by someone that we can love and need in return - it is the driving need of humanity. And yet, it is the hardest thing in the world to truly obtain. I am so happy for my friend that he has found a fantastic love and by God's grace I know that he is going to work his tail off to make sure he hangs on to her.

7. I continue to be amazed at how expensive things are getting. Our insurance is going up a lot at work and I haven't had a raise in three years. In the last five years our auto and home insurnace have nearly doubled. We are going to have to start making some hard choices about money. I don't mean to whine - I am so grateful for what God has given to me. I am just obsessed lately with the desire to somehow "hold it together" until my kids get out of school. I am to the point that I am not really sure how to do that, or even if that is possible. So, I will keep praying and asking God what His will is. It was sure easier to trust in God when I didn't have much to lose.

8. I have great kids. After spending most of the weekend with them in situations where we had a lot of direct time together I am reminded yet again that God has blessed me with my children. Although they sometimes drive me nuts (which is in their job description), they are both really neat people that I like to spend time with. To me, that is really neat.

More later......

Tagging?

2006-02-16T12:42:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure what tagging is..hmm..another gap in my knowledge. But, I saw the questions on Marcy's site, so I thought I would answer.

Four Jobs I've Had:

Bank teller
Radio DJ
Web Developer
Technical Writer

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over:

Doctor Zhivago
Braveheart
Cold Mountain
Waking Ned Devine

Four Places I've Lived:

Colorado Springs, CO
St. Louis, MO
Los Angeles, CA
Oklahoma City, OK

Four Shows I Like To Watch:

American Idol
Highlander (I wish they were still making new episodes)
DIY: Handmade Music
Biographies on Biography Channel

Four Foods That I Like:

Tacos
Pizza
Steak
Homemade bread

Four Sites I Visit Everyday:

blogs
CNN.com
www.imdb.com
everythingdulcimer.com

Four places I'd rather be right now:

At home
on vacation
playing music with friends
at church

Four Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

work for myself
see my kids grown up with happy lives
make some sort of difference in the world
find my birth mother

Four People I'm Tagging:
Hmmm...not sure what tagging is.

Well....

2006-02-16T12:31:00.000-06:00

It is amazing how when you wake up in the morning, you never quite know how the day will shape up. Today has been interesting in that respect. In a meeting right before lunch we found out that, somehow, someway, our former director of development has not only regained his position, but all of the plum projects, new resources, etc. This move effectively cut the knees out from under my two management peers and myself. Suddenly, my serious job search has become white hot. I just don't get this stuff..I mean, he was the guy who messed everything up to begin with, and now, over a year later after 60% of our staff has been cut and everything else gutted, they are giving it back to him?! We are stunned. I also got confirmation right after the meeting that they are already moving on oursourcing our help desk (which is what I run).

Oh well..I guess I had better polish up my resume and start hitting the job sites. I am really getting too old for this stuff.

Let it snow!

2006-02-08T07:54:00.000-06:00

I woke today to find the first snow of 2006. It isnt' much, so far, but is still coming down. Our winter has been unbelievably warm so far this year, so it is kind of nice to actually have winter show up. I am still home for the rest of this week recovering from surgery. The recovery has taken me longer than I anticipated, but things are coming along. Today, we are heading out of the house to Belleville, IL where we grew up (about an hour from here). My father-in-law is having minor surgery so I will switch today from patient to visitor as we visit.

Otherwise, I'm pretty down today. Life just doesn't seem to be working out well lately - the details are boring, even to me. It seems like I am in another of those periods of my life where I really need to hear from God and get some direction from Him. And, as usual, there is an abundance of silence. But, i am still listening and will keep on listening. At the moment I am just lonely and tired. This too shall pass. And, in the meantime, we'll just enjoy the snow!

About Small Blessings

2006-02-04T10:10:00.000-06:00

Well, yesterday was a long day for all of us between my surgery and trying to get the kids where they needed to be (Jeremy had a concert right in the middle of everything). The surgery went well but I didn't get home until about 6:30 p.m. from the hospital. The doctor said my gallstones were huge - some of the biggest she has taken out in her career. She was suprised I wasn't in a lot more pain. Right now I am just really sore and moving is very painful - thank goodness for pain meds. I just got up a few minutes ago for the second time - the first time was at 5:30 to take another hydrocodone. This should be the rough day, with things improving tomorrow. I figure today will be a lot of watching TV and working on the computer (depending on how it feels to sit up - i can only sit up for short stretches right now).

Yesterday, I got to experience one of God's small but enormously powerful blessings. I had been prepared for surgery and they wheeled me into the operating room. Anyone who has experienced surgery knows that the sight of the operating room is overwhelming - this one especially as it was very new and high tech. Lots of people were scurrying around. I had been freezing since I changed into the infamous backless gown. Before moving me to the operating table, one of he nurses put down a warm blanket on the table. Laying on it felt like heaven. They then immediately covered me up with 2 or 3 more warm blankets! It felt so warm and cozy. As they began hooking up he machines to me, etc. I started to feel the fear and nervousness that is pretty standard. The anestesiologist had started to work with me and between laying flat, having the little hat on, and the oxygen mask over my face, I couldn't see much but a small sliver of ceiling.

Suddenly, I felt a small, warm hand slide into my left hand and firmly but gently hold my hand. It was such a small gesture, but had such a profound impact on me. I calmed down immediately and within seconds I had been put to sleep. I'll probably never know who that nurse was who did that for me, but I thank God for her and her compassion. That single, small act had a huge impact on me - I even woke up this morning thinking about it. May God bless her and may I always be open to His small blessings.......

Happy Thursday

2006-02-02T10:07:00.000-06:00

Well, there really isn't too much going on right now. Life is pretty much in its same (good) boring groove of kids, work, homework, housework, etc. etc. Nothing too profound at the moment.

Tomorrow at 12:30 they will be doing surgery to remove my gallbladder. The plan is to do it laproscopically, so it should (hopefully) be minor. The doctor wanted me off work for a week though, so all next week I get a break. It is a heck of a way to get time off, but hey, I'll take it.

Otherwise - just typical stuff. The power supply on my wife's computer went out, so I fixed that. The motherboard on my computer hasn't been right since its power supply flamed out a while back, so I ordred a new one which arrived on Tuesday. I need to put that in, hopefully tonight. I guess I need to cook and freeze some things for the family to eat, as I won't feel like cooking for a few days. See? It is all just boring, typical stuff.

So, how is everyone else today?

It is Here!!

2006-01-28T15:16:00.000-06:00

Well, my mother's piano is finally here. It is very surreal - something I have wanted for so long has actually happened. The rest of the day around the piano however was trying. They did in fact sell all of my Dad's woodworking tools (and other tools as well) - I had specifically asked for them and was told I could have them. His shotgun was gone as well - apparently my step-mother didn't want it in the house so she called the Sheriff one day to just just "come and get it".

Most of the other things I took were things they were throwing away and no one wanted. There were at least a half-dozen church members there to help with the house and my step-mother was giving them all sorts of things. I felt very much the outsider, as I have since they were married back when I was 13. Some things never change. Perhaps the most interesting parting shot was the one box she had set aside with "stuff for me". My Dad was a Shriner when he was younger and I did want his fez...mostly for sentimental reasons. That was in the box, but also in the box was a collection of many of the gifts we had given them over the past X number of years, including every picture we had ever given them of my kids and my wife and I. It was a fairly final slamming of the door.

On the bright side - I talked with the father of my best friend growing up who still lives next door to my Dad's house. He gave me a picture printed on regualr paper of my best friend and me when we were growing up. It is a neat picture and I don't even remember the occasion. So I scanned the paper - the quality isn't the best, but it is still a great picture. My friend is the one with the fish. I am on the right, looking like I wish I had caught it instead!

Another day.....

2006-01-27T05:48:00.000-06:00

Well, it is morning, something I have never done really well. I did mange to get a truck lined up for Saturday. All that remains is finding a piano dolly and lining up people on my side of the river to help me unload it (my Dad's house is about 60 miles away from mine in IL). The rental truck was even on sale this week! Can't beat that.....

We are off to a "zero hour" meeting wtih my son's principal to talk about his physics teacher. This guy is aparently a bit of a twit. I mean, who teaches physics to high schoolers by giving them a handout or project and saying "go figure it out and we'll talk about it after"? My wife and I both tried to help him last night, to no avail (and I have had 4 years of physics), so we then called three other kids from his physics class (one of which is a braniac) and they are all confused and lost too. So, we are off to talk to the principal to see what, if anything, can be done. I am praying for wisdom and the right words to have this discussion.

God is still working......and other stuff.....

2006-01-26T15:14:00.000-06:00

Well, in an apparent miracle of sorts, my step-brother called me today to talk about my mom's piano and picking stuff up this Saturday. I had totally given up hope, but, God seems to be working something else out. How much of the sutff that I wanted is still there? I don't know yet. But, yikes I only have two days to get a truck lined up for Saturday. I hope I can find one.....

I heard some details today from friends about what is probably going on at work. It doesn't sound good - I've got probably 3-5 months before I lose my job, so that makes the job search all the more important and real. I wonder what God has in mind for this one.

And, on my totally human, lustful side, there is the new Jerry Read Smith dulcimer. All I can say is WOW followed quickly by "I really want one". Oh well...back to reality and being grateful for all that God has given me, including my Songbird Phoebe 16/15 HD.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

Jars of Clay.....

2006-01-25T22:13:00.000-06:00

The sermon on Sunday talked about a lot of things, but one of the verses that was used has stuck with me this week.

7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 2 Corinthians 4:7 NIV

The focus was on the people of God doing life together because we are all clay pots - common, ordinary, rough and defective pots. And while those pots are common and ordinary, God is using them for an extraordinary purpose.

I am feeling my 'clay' very much right now. Of late I have been struggling to keep my diabetes under control and just found out I am probably going to have surgery for my gallbladder, not to mention watching out for some things going on in my liver. Yesterday, I ordered new glasses as I continue my slow, steady march to old age. After filling all of my prescriptions and ordering my glasses I assessed the impact on our checkbook (which is never good) and once again my mind began to wander toward the things I would love to have but never seem to materialize.....the new instruments, the sound system...time to really play those instruments. The day is capped off with another discussion with my wife that seems to reinforce yet again that the sacrifices I have made for my kids are nothing and will pale in comparison to the sacrifices I will yet have to make. My comany is in trouble, my job is shaky and my technical skills are aging rapidly - just some other things to worry about. I collapse into bed asking God to somehow strengthen this clay and hold it together for one more day, as the cracks are starting to show.....again.

Some days, it seems that "doing life" takes just about all of the energy there is in me. And yet, life is good, and God is even more wonderful and faithful. I have a great family and God has been more than generous. I know He has this all worked out and everything is happening as He would have it to. Don't you wish you could just see the whole plan? I mean...really see it and know what is going on and where God is leading you? Then again I probably couldn't handle that if He did show me those things....so it is probably better to keep going one day at a time. The lamp will provide enough light for the next step - no more. I have to trust in that.

And, someday, I may actually start to enjoy being a jar of clay.........

From the past....

2006-01-18T21:28:00.000-06:00

When Dawn replied to my last message it got me thinking about this picture, so I thought I would share it. That is a very young me (age 2) in front of my mom's piano. Ironically, it is one of the only pictures I have of the piano.

Disconnecting and connecting...

2006-01-16T23:08:00.000-06:00

Some days, I just don't seem to be able to connect with the world. I'm really not sure why that is, but when those days happen, I tend to feel more like an observer than a participant. It is sort of like that out-of-body experience people talk about when they view themselves on an operating table or something. I am alive and going through the motions, but I cannot connect at all.

Sunday was a day like that. I woke up slowly, not ready to face the world and in a fairly lousy mood for no good reason. I made it to church and the kids ran off to youth group. Finding myself in the sanctuary with lots of great music, happy people and a rather intense sermon, I find myself lost in thought, anxiety and being pretty much totally disconnected from everything that was going on around me. I did try to connect, but just didn't make it. Somewhere about mid-day the feelings eased a bit, but it was one of those days where I felt like just crawling back into bed and going to sleep so I can wake up and start over again.

...What about openness

The lack of connectedness scares me sometimes. When I was younger although I was always uncomfortable in crowds, especially of my peers, I was at home in intimate conversations and small groups of 2 or 3. Now, when I disconnect, I find myself wondering why. Even the intimate conversations, of which there are very few anymore, seem to pass me by. I find myself wondering when I changed from being open, transparent and intimate to having a very thick wall with guarded feelings and even more tightly guarded conversations. My new church is big on home groups, and I suddenly realize that I am afraid to go. I am simply not comfortable baring myself in a group like that anymore. I find myself surprised...and a bit puzzled.....

Other stuff
The job still sucks and is still trying to go away. I am still looking for something else, but so far, no nibbles. The constant stress of the job and the downsizing is getting very old at this point. HR rep from Chicago is in for the next two days (no one knows why), the CIO is in for reorg meetings on Thursday, and on Friday we managers have a meeting where we will learn the deails of how they are slashing our health insurance. No stress there.....

I am struggling with some bitterness toward my step-family. After my father's death in September they assured me that I would get my mother's piano along with my Dad's tools and some other personal items I was interested in. It appears they have sold everything out from under me. On one hand I am not terribly surprised, but I had hoped that somehow, some way, things would be different this time. I have given it to God, but the bitterness is creeping in. Maybe if some more time passes God can work me around a bit.

I am behind on the Bible study. I had caught up at one point but now find myself behind again. Marcy has written some great posts about her reading - it would take a semester of theology to go through it all. But, a couple of quick comments:

Genesis - I take it literally. Yes, I am one of those. I am also one of those who doesn't think it really matters if I understand everything or not - God still created it all, and that is enough. Re: Cain/Abel - I have always understood the difference between the offerings was in (a) the offering given and (b) the heart of the giver. (no time to defend any of this now - just quick observations) Re: 2 tellings of Creation - I think the text supports this as being the same story told twice, with a different emphasis in each telling.

Job - I think this is a real story - and yes, I know all the arguments otherwise. I can relate to Job in many ways - it is a tremendous story all the way around.

Sleep is calling - more later. Peace and blessings to everyone.

Unflavored Salt....

2006-01-08T15:44:00.000-06:00

This morning in church the pastor was focusing on the scripture in Matthew 5:13 which talks about Christians being the salt and light of the world.

Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.

One of the things he said really resonated with me. You know, it is hearing the same thing you have heard a thousand times before but suddenly someone says it and it resonates freshly with you. He said that our saltiness as Christians is largely determined by our proximity to Christ. Likewise, he talked about how there is an appropriate level of saltiness that is pleasing but you don't really notice. Usually, when you notice salt it is because it is too salty and has ruined what it is trying to flavor.

Over the holidays I made several different types of cookies. One was a lemon drop cookie made from cake mix and another was a peanut butter cookie. At the end of one day of cooking, I put these two types of cookies together in the same cookie jar. The next time I went into the cookie jar and grabbed a peanut butter cookie, I noticed it tasted of lemon. That wasn't a particularity pleasing combination. Just because the one cookie was touching the other its flavor, and ultimately its usefulness, was affected.

I thought of this again this morning it light of the sermon. There are many ways to take the analogy, but I think what struck me was that it is nearly as easy for the salt to flavor the object as it is to ruin it. And, it is just as easy for the salt to affect as it is to be affected. Unless Christ is at the heart and soul of this salt and light stuff, it is very likely to turn out to be a mess.......

What a day......

2006-01-05T21:52:00.000-06:00

Well, I am ready for this day to go away. It has been one of those days where everything seems to go amazingly wrong in a wide variety of directions. The day started nearly 2 hours earlier than usual as I tried to catch up on work before ending up in an all-day client meeting. The meeting was contentious followed by hours of boring. Just part of the job I guess. Then around noon my boss told me a decision had been made to lay off one of my employees tomorrow. I feel really bad for the gal - it is nothing about her work as she does a great job. We are in downsizing mode and looking for ways to get more developers - they decided we really didn't need her skills right now. They are probably right, but I still don't like it. Tomorrow promises to be a really bad day. I stewed in all of this all afternoon, through the remainder of the boring meetings, followed by taking our clients out to dinner and making small talk until about 9:00 p.m. I am finally home and glad of it. I feel like going somewhere to hide.

It gets hard to find God in all of this, and yet, I know His hand is here....somewhere. He is at work in the changes - in the frustrations - in the mess, and all with a plan that is so much larger than I could ever imagine and probably couldn't even comprehend. It is one of those days where the faith to hang on to that truth gets thin and the fingernails dig in a little bit tighter to keep hanging on. It could just as easily have been me that was laid off, and in another few weeks or months it very well might be. Trusting God; that is a tough task even in the best of times. When I was young and working bad jobs with lousy pay and stretching to cover the basics, it seemed easier to trust God completely. After all, it was just me and what did I have to lose? But now, with a good income, a nice house, a family and my kids only a few years from being out of high school, the trust is much harder to come by. The losses could be extreme if something happens. BUT, I can honestly say that God has never left me, or failed me. I have never fallen so far as to hit the ground - never fallen so far that God's hand was not there to catch me. So, faith it is - for another day. Tomorrow, I will choose to kneel at the foot of the cross one more time, and do my best to follow Him who loves me and saves me. I will choose to trust in God because He is trustworthy.

But for now....I need some sleep.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-01T23:17:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year everyone! 2005 has been a bit rough for a variety of reasons and I'm not terribly sorry to see it go. We had some really good times as well. I am not sure what the new year will bring and there is always that fear and anxiety wondering what the new year will bring. As I get older, the simple "resting" in God that I used to do becomes more of a challenge to my faith - I have more to lose and what I have to lose is precious to me.

This morning's sermon talked about devoting ourselves to God in this new year - and having God be our only goal. The words ring true with me, but following them will be a challenge. I need to keep this verse in my sight during the new year:

24 Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory. 25 Whom have I in heaven but thee ? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. 26 My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. Psalm 73:24-26

My best wishes to everyone for a Happy, and God-filled New Year.

King Kong Rules

2005-12-30T23:32:00.000-06:00

In fulfillment of a Christmas break promise to my son we went to see King Kong tonight. The movie is very good overall and the special effects are nothing short of amazing. There is a good 20 minutes of bug stuff that I could very easily have lived without, but Naomi Watts is lovely and the animated Kong is amazing. Story-wise things are a little thin, but it is based on the original which was also thin. It was a nice evening and everyone seemed to enjoy it. Tomorrow, the plan is to take in The Chronicles of Narnia - a Christmas break promise to my daughter.

For being a family that seldom goes to the theatre (we are too cheap - we wait for the DVD), this makes the second time in as many weeks. Is anyone else as fed up with the ticket prices as I am? Geez...tonight was $36 for 4 people to go to the movies, and that didn't include anything other than watching the movie. I don't know where all of that is heading, but Hollywood has just about priced itself out of reach for me.

Retro Thursday......

2005-12-29T08:39:00.000-06:00

Today seems a bit retro for some reason. I was talking with some people yesterday and the musical group 2nd Chapter of Acts came up. After telling them about my favorite album, "How the West Was One", I found myself thinking about it again last night. I miss early Contemporary Christian music. This was stuff from the Jesus People era. The music rang so true and was (in my opinion at least) a giant step above much of the over-orchestrated junk that is on the airwaves now. But, that is another discussion. so, this morning I found myself combing through my CDs to find not only "How the West Was One" but "Love Song" by the group Love Song.

I wonder why I stick with these older albums sometimes. I truly believe the music is better, but it is more than that. It reminds me, I think, of who I was at a different place in time. There are some things about the younger version of me that I liked very much - things that have been diminished, and in some cases destroyed, by time. My enthusiasm - my naievete about the goodness of people and how the world really works - the unbridled hope I had for the future. It is hard to move forward into the new things in life without losing things that are truly important. I guess the real chanllenge is to keep adding the new better things to my character without losing the good things that were already there. Cynicsm is an ugly companion nowadays. George Carlin's quote resonates with me:

"Scratch a cynic and you'll find a disappointed idealist underneath."

Amen.

The Difficulties of Leaving.....

2005-12-28T14:41:00.000-06:00

In another window on my computer, I am currently writing a letter to the minister of music at my church telling him that I am leaving the church. This is no small thing to me, and is something I have struggled with for a long time. And yet, I find it so difficult to let go. I have become convinced it is what I should do, and yet, I am having to force myself to leave. Why is it so hard to do something I know to be right?

The church has many issues, most of which are secondary and irrelevant. These are the kind of things that are found in any church. The other things though, are bigger. These bother me greatly and come down to an unwillingness to truly preach the Gospel, and the musical pablum that we churn out each week. The sermons tend toward pop-psychology with gentle nods to the Bible, and while they claim to be a seeker church, they tend to only seek those who are wealthy or live in the right neighborhoods. In over three years at that church I have never been invited to anyone's house for a meal, or to meet a friend for lunch, etc. They contact me when they need someone to video tape or run the soundboard, or the other guitarist cancels unexpectedly. Otherwise, it is like I don't exist. I leave voice mails and send emails to others on the praise team - and I hear nothing in return.

Musically, we are stuck in a rut that is made up of new praise songs and anything from the past two years. We make no effort at arrangements or musicianship and I have not felt joy in playing for some time now. In November I stepped down from playing for some time off and have suprisingly not missed it one bit.

I think the last straw for me was Christmas Day. We had no church services. Hmmm...let's see....the day that the world celebrates the birth of our Savior falls on the same day as our weekly worship and our response is to cancel church. Amazing. it is especially poignant to me that a "seeker sensitive church" would cancel their services on the #1 day of the year that unchurched people come to services. Two years ago one of two friends I had at this church left. His breaking point came when, on Easter Sunday, the pastor preached a normal, run-of-the-mill sermon with no reference to the resurrection at all. I found it incredulous then, but still hadn't reached my limit. I guess now I have. I had lunch with my other friend from church today who told me that the church didn't have services on Christmas Day because the YMCA (where we meet) refused to work any of their people on Christmas Day and without them we couldn't use the facility. But, the secondary decision was also made that it wasn't worth the effort to try to find some place to meet for Sunday service, as it was discussed. If the issue had been a golf tournament, there is no doubt they would have found a way to make it happen.

Lunch was good and the friend I met with is one of the few voices of reason in the church. Suprisingly, he agreed that the church has serious issues. The season he and his wife are in is to work with the church and try to gently fix things. Throughout our lunch conversation I came to realize that regardless of where I end up, my time at Fellowship Church is over.

Isn't change wonderful?

My First Post

2005-12-26T22:35:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the first post on my new blog. This is, well, quite underwhelming. After reading Irksome Girl's blog on a regular basis, I have decided that this might be an outlet I am looking for. Then again, maybe not. Time will tell of course, but for now, this is begun. And the first step is always the most important, or so they say.....